Luke Simpkins, a Liberal backbencher from WA, says Australians are unknowingly being converted to Islam by eating Halal food. So says this historic piece of Australian racism from The West Australian circa November 2011.
The "Aussie Barbecue" is under threat by a "Minority Religion," says Simpkin, likely through a mouthful of WA crude oil and raw, Christian steak.
It's not entirely clear what motivated Simpkin. Perhaps his local kebab store skimped on the garlic sauce or perhaps he's just a fearful, jingoistic, bitter man. Who knows?
Whatever the case his story does highlight a growing phenomenon. Increasingly certain foods and drinks contain strange properties that will change you forever. You have been warned.
1. Scones with jam and cream will turn you into a royal corgi
As Her Royal Highness' lap dog you will eat better than most of her subjects.
2. Vodka Cruisers Will Turn You into a 16 year-old girl
A mate thought it would be a laugh to skull a cruiser at a bar to prove he was edgy, alt and didn't care what anyone thought about him. Two years later and, plagued by low self esteem, he (she) is currently looking for a date to the formal. Suitable applicants should apply in the comments section.
3. Drinking gin straight will turn You into an Alcoholic
This fact comes with a 100% peer-reviewed guarantee. Mixing gin - aka devil's piss - with tonic water will turn you into a 45 year-old woman instead.
4. Bagels will make you Jewish
If eaten with matzoh ball soup you will legit become Woody Allen.
5. Movie popcorn will give you erectile dysfunction.
Or at least I think it was the popcorn? Is this just me?
6. Organic bottled juices will turn you into one half of a Hollywood power couple.
Options include: Brangelina, Ellen and Portia, Jay-B(eyonce).
7. Non-standard coffee orders will turn you into Cat Power.
Terms to avoid include: machiatto, piccolo, crema, decaf, soy.
8. San Pedro Cactus will turn you into a tumbleweed.
Or maybe you'll just be so tripping so hard you think you're a tumbleweed? Haha. No. You will literally be a tumbleweed.
9. Bratwurst will turn you into a Nazi sympathiser.
You will deny the holocaust, set Stormfront.org as your homepage and make poorly photoshopped pictures of 'Antichrist Obama'. Combine with a bagel (see # 6) for identity issues.
10. Radioactive Waste will give you superpowers, cancer.
Kind of an obvious one. You will gain either: super strength, invisibility or telekinesis. You will be the envy of all your friends.
Unfortunately the doctors say it's a matter of days, not weeks and that it would be best if you spent time with your family.